16 December 2016

The finest fir in all the land

Let me tell you the story about the swashbuckling good times we have had this year as they relate to our tree.

First we went to Home Depot to find it. It was Monday night last week and they had about 4 little guys laying around helplessly. It was clear our tree was not going to be there so we left pretty fast and headed over to Tilly's, a local farm stand type joint where a lot of people get their tree around here. It was such a cute spot, and we picked out a huge one! Look at this puppy! It was a 10 footer and this is Jason realizing we waaay overestimated our ceiling height.

So we had to cut it. We laid it out on the coffee table and out came the tools.

Alex's saw really made a difference, as you'll see in this video. I mean, thank goodness for the safety helmet.

How many Nills does it take to set the trunk?

All Ashton and Alex knew was that Daddy was underneath there doing something and they felt compelled to "help". That happens a lot.

We got the tree all situated and the next night we went to put the lights on and...half of them were out. So Jason went out to Lowes and we decided to upgrade to LEDs. My friends, I hated these lights. They were like, so ugly. Look, my phone couldn't even register them to take a picture.

 But I didn't say anything and we got all our ornaments on and I just stole Jason's phone to document :D

I mean it wasn't perfect.

A little beach trip gone bad. Poor bear.

In fact we have another smaller tree in the front (just with plastic balls on it) that I let the boys decorate 100% themselves. The ornaments are all globbed together but I have not moved a single one from where they placed it.

In the middle of the night, we frequently hear balls falling off and bouncing across the floor lol. The boys, they aren't the most secure ornament hangers the world has ever seen.

Back to the other tree. You can guess what happened. I couldn't hold it in and eventually blurted out that I thought our tree was ugly. To my surprise, Jason agreed! You're going to think we're crazy but...we took all the ornaments off, changed the lights, and put all the ornaments back on ha!

So much better. The light is a lot warmer and it just looks better. If you're going to do a tree, do it right. Speaking of, how do you know if you got the right tree to begin with? It can be intimidating walking on to a big lot with all kinds of sizes and shapes. We interviewed one tree and it went like this.

Me: First of all, you realize you cost 25% more than your Home Depot counterparts.
Christmas Tree: Well, I have 25% more body. Do you like it scrawny or do you like it brawny? Ask yourself.
Me: Where are you from?
CT: Page 11 in the Polar Express.

Me: So you're not afraid of the dark? What about the lean wolves on the previous page?
CT: I just stay really still and they don't bother me.
Me: How many ornaments do you think you can hold?
CT: I bench at least 160.
Me: Angel or star?
CT: Star.
Me: WRONG! The answer is neither. You get a Santa hat.
CT: You are sooo tricky.
Me: I know.
Me: Describe your thoughts on being hog tied and roped to the top of a car.
CT: A nice warm up to having my undercarriage clipped and then being squeezed to death by dozens of strands of lights.
Me: Does it bug you that you were 10'3 and we cut you down to 9'1?
CT: No but I will now ooze extra sap and drop a bunch of pine needles just as you have finished vacuuming. Heh heh heh.
Me: If you could be anything besides an evergreen, what would you be?
CT: A lean wolf.
Me: What do you say to the reports that claim you are infested with 25,000 bugs?
CT: Google "how much bacteria is on a human body" and get back to me.
Me: What will you do when you see Santa?
CT: Probably just stand there.
Me: Do you know that people have been decorating trees for Christmas for hundreds of years? It seems kind of a silly thing to do, doesn't it?
CT: So does ear piercing.
Me: What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
Me: A pineapple!
Me: Ok last question. Where are you going after this?
CT: You tell me.

Overall this tree was not hired. Sarcasm and condescension are not attractive qualities when it comes to balsam firs. Luckily the next one was a delight, talking about her hopes and dreams for Rockefeller Center and her love of being dressed to the nines. She is in the corner this very minute twinkling away. Not *really* twinkling, I don't do flashing lights, but you know what I mean :)

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